Incontinence can impact every part of life — and that includes intimacy. The stress, anxiety, and self-consciousness that often come with bladder or bowel issues don’t disappear behind closed doors. For many people, just coming to terms with the condition is tough. Talking about it with a partner? Even tougher.

But here’s the truth: you can absolutely have fulfilling, connected, joyful relationships while managing incontinence. It just takes a bit of honesty, some practical planning, and the right support.

We get why it feels daunting — but incontinence doesn’t mean the end of intimacy. With a bit of honest communication and a few simple adjustments, great relationships are absolutely still on the table.

Talking to your partner about incontinence

Before getting intimate, it helps to talk. Sharing your experience with your partner — how incontinence shows up for you, and how you’re feeling — builds trust, understanding, and comfort.

Start by choosing a time and place where you feel safe and relaxed. Let your partner know what’s on your mind — maybe you're feeling nervous, anxious, or unsure. Chances are, they’ll appreciate your honesty and help ease those nerves.

Be clear about what kind of support you need. Maybe it’s just for them to listen, or maybe it’s helping you figure things out together.

You can also explain the type of incontinence you’re managing, what symptoms you experience, and how it might affect intimacy. If there are specific things you’re worried about, say so — this is your space to speak freely.

If you use any equipment, like a catheter or drainage bag, it helps to give your partner a heads-up so they know what to expect. And if you’re unsure how to manage any devices during intimacy, talk to your doctor or specialist first — they can guide you through what’s safe and comfortable.

If feelings like shame or embarrassment feel too heavy to handle on your own, you’re not alone — and you don’t have to push through it solo. A psychologist or therapist can help you unpack those emotions, build confidence, and find the right words — first for yourself, then with your partner.

We also have more incontinence conversation tips if you need more support in how to get things flowing with your partner, or in any other relationships. 

How to manage incontinence before intimacy

Once you’ve had the conversation and you’re both feeling ready, here are a few simple ways to help manage incontinence and keep things comfortable when it’s time to get intimate.

• Manage your intake of fluids before intimacy. You can speak to your doctor about what reduction of fluid will be appropriate for your circumstances.

• Empty the bladder and/or bowel prior to intimacy. This also helps prevent urinary tract infections.

• If you use a catheter, you can remove it or leave it in if preferred. Males can tape the catheter to the shaft of the penis, wear a condom and use lubricant, while females can tape the catheter to the thigh or abdomen.

• If you use a drainage bag, you can cover it, place it out of sight or seal it off.

• Do any of your hygiene care before intimacy - you can even incorporate it into foreplay. For example, showering with your partner.

• Find out what treatments will help with any spasms or pain associated with intimacy. If you experience hypersensitivity, for example, you can try placing an ice pack on the relevant area prior to intimacy.

• Pick the right moment. Perhaps there are certain times of day you notice your incontinence symptoms are more prevalent, so you can choose to be intimate at another time if you want to avoid that.

• Have a water-based lubricant on hand. For women, water-based lubricant closely mimics the vagina’s natural pH and can help avoid any discomfort or pH-related issues such as thrush.
  
  
  

It’s also important to note that intimacy can mean something different to every couple and doesn’t necessarily have to involve penetrative sex. Other forms of intimacy can include: 

• Kissing

• Touching

• Massage

Ways to make intimacy more comfortable with incontinence

There are a number of ways to make intimacy more comfortable when you have incontinence, for both you and your partner. 

Finding the right position

Finding sex positions that work for you and prevent discomfort can be extremely helpful. What positions are deemed comfortable will be different for everyone, so it may be worth speaking to your doctor or a pelvic physiotherapist to find out which positions will be most comfortable. 

Some positions you may find beneficial could include:

• Side-lying positions which prevent bladder spasms
• Modified missionary using a pillow underneath your pelvis to help support the spine and move pelvic organs out of the way

If you do see a pelvic physio, they may also recommend some pelvic floor exercises that may help strengthen and/or relax your pelvic floor to both help with bladder or bowel control and also manage sexual discomfort.

Waterproof bed and furniture protectors
Waterproof bed and furniture protectors are great for an added line of defence if you’re concerned about leaks or mess during intimacy.  We stock both disposable protectors and washable protectors that are breathable, highly absorbent and comfortable. Simply place one on top of your bedsheet and you’ll have peace of mind that any leaks will be absorbed. You can then dispose of the protector if it’s not reusable, or throw the washable version in the washing machine between uses.

Mood enhancers
If you’re worried about any incontinence-related odours that might dampen your mood, light some scented candles. These will not only enhance the romance but will mask any unwanted smells. Just be sure to keep those candles away from anything flammable and where they won’t get knocked over!

Music is another great mood booster, and can also help you to relax and let go of any tension or stress you might have.

Medications
Some medications can affect libido or sexual function, and even exacerbate incontinence symptoms. If you’re on medications, discuss any concerns you have regarding your incontinence and intimacy with your doctor. They can then recommend any alternatives or workarounds for intimacy.

What to do if you're struggling with incontinence and intimacy

For any emotional or mental hurdles experienced when it comes to your incontinence and intimacy, there are plenty of people out there who can help. You can speak to a therapist, psychologist, or your GP. This can either be solo or alongside your partner. They’ll be able to provide practical advice on how you can improve and enjoy intimacy.

You may even find some online community forums of people with incontinence where you can speak confidentially about your experience and those of others. However, just remember these forums are not the same as seeking professional advice.

The Bladder & Bowel UK Helpline is another great, and free, service that provides general advice and support. They can also help refer you to other specialists or medical professionals who might be able to help. You can call them on 0161 214 4591, or fill out their online contact form.

For personalised advice regarding physical incontinence hurdles, always speak to your doctor.